I’ve noticed something odd.
Most people expect you to open your home, heart, and secrets to your sexual partner. That’s the norm. You’re meant to prioritise them. They become the main character in your life. Friends? They’re background noise. Side characters. Optional extras.
But that’s never been how I’ve lived.
I don’t give more access to sexual partners than to friends. In fact, my friends often know more about me—more deeply, more consistently—than anyone I’ve shared a bed with.
And honestly, this unsettles people.
1. Society assumes sex is the entry point to everything
There’s a cultural script: if we’re having sex, I get access to your time, your feelings, your fridge, your future. You “let me in.”
But I’ve always questioned that. Why does sex unlock a higher tier of access than years of shared history, trust, and real connection?
Sex doesn’t necessarily create emotional safety. Friendship does.
2. My friends are my partners
I’ve had intense, life-changing friendships that have lasted decades. We’ve seen each other through death, birth, breakdowns, breakthroughs. We’ve slept in the same beds platonically. We’ve cried over each other’s pain. We’ve shared food, money, silence, mess.
These relationships aren’t “lesser” just because they don’t involve sex. If anything, they’re often more enduring—and more honest.
3. I want sex, but I don’t want hierarchy
At nearly 58, I don’t want a boyfriend, partner, or husband. I want sexual intimacy, as a friend. Casual, respectful, mutual. I don’t need to blend bank accounts or host dinner parties with someone’s parents.
And being polyamorous, I don’t want just one sexual partner. Though ironically, I’m enjoying the lack of sexual complexity right now. I haven’t had a sexual relationship in over a decade.
But I do have a great self-sex life. It’s my own space to explore desire and connection—with myself. No awkward negotiations. No performance.
Sex, to me, is like going to the movies. You don’t only go with one person. You don’t even always remember who you went with last time. And that’s fine.
4. Friendship is where I’ve found the most intimacy
I’ve shared more of my truest self with friends than I ever have with sexual partners. My grief. My anxiety. My failures. My small, silent wins.
With friends, there’s no need to impress. No posturing. No assumptions about what love is “supposed” to look like.
So no—I don’t reserve the best of myself for lovers. I give it freely to the people who’ve shown up, time and time again, whether we’re having sex or not.
What if that wasn’t weird?
What if we stopped measuring intimacy by how naked we get—or how many boxes we tick? What if we gave friends the same access, reverence, and priority we reserve for romantic partners?
Because I already do.
And the truth is, I feel more seen, more whole, and more loved because of it.
