It’s one of those moments that makes your stomach tighten — your employer or manager says, “You didn’t do that,” or, “You did something you shouldn’t have.” Whether they’re right or not, the instinctive reaction is often defensiveness: I did! or I didn’t! But there’s a better way to handle it.
Pause and clarify
Instead of reacting, take a breath and ask questions.
- “Can you tell me more about what makes you think that?”
- “When did that happen?”
- “What did you notice?”
Clarifying shows openness. It also helps you gather facts before jumping to conclusions — theirs or yours.
Acknowledge you might be wrong
Anyone may be mistaken. It’s also possible you or your employer are. As Kathryn Schulz explores in her TED Talk, On Being Wrong, we all carry blind spots — times when we’re certain we’re right but aren’t. Schulz reminds us that being wrong feels exactly like being right, right up until we realise we’re not.
Acknowledging that possibility disarms tension. You might say:
- “I thought I had done that, but I could be wrong — let’s check.”
Apologise if appropriate
If it turns out you did miss something, a sincere apology goes a long way.
- “I’m sorry — I didn’t realise that. Thanks for pointing it out.”
Apologies don’t mean self-blame. They mean accountability.
Ask how you can do better next time
End constructively. Turn the moment into a learning opportunity.
- “How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
- “Would it help if I checked in more regularly?”
Feedback isn’t failure; it’s information. When you respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness, you show emotional maturity, professionalism, and a willingness to grow — all qualities every good leader values.
When your employer tells you you’ve done (or not done) something, resist defensiveness. Clarify, acknowledge, apologise, and learn. Inspired by Kathryn Schulz’s TED Talk On Being Wrong.
